10 Things To Remember For Your Next Foster Care Placement

We’re foster care newbies over here. We’re still trying to navigate The System and figure out what in the world we’re doing. It’s still new. 

We jumped onto the roller coaster in the fall of 2020 and started our first placement in the summer of 2021. We learned a lot in the first few months. 

We’re not the same people who filled out the preliminary paperwork for Children and Youth. We see the world differently now. We see people differently.

We have stepped into hard places, had tough conversations, and made decisions we were not prepared to make. We have seen the broken parts of this world in some pretty shocking ways. 

There are things we will never un-know. 

But, we have also seen moments of beautiful redemption. Brokenness restored. Hope renewed. Hearts beginning to heal. And light filling the darkness. 

We have experienced hard and beautiful things, often at the same time. And we’re learning to live with the tension of mixed emotions.  

Here’s a glimpse of what I want to remember about the first few weeks of a new foster care placement.

If you’re a foster parent, your list probably looks different than mine. Hopefully, you have fewer notes to remember.

1. Take a breath. This is not your new normal. 

   The first few days feel like chaos, but things will settle down eventually. Everyone’s just trying to figure things out. The kids are going through a pretty traumatic experience. Be a soft place for them to land. 

   
   Give them space to talk when they’re ready, but don’t pry for information. Listen with gentleness and softness. Their world just turned upside down. They need space and time to process it all. 

   
   But don’t let yourself believe this chaos is what every day will feel like from now on. It’s stressful now, but it all settles down in a couple weeks. Just take a breath. 

2. Step away from the snacks.

For the millionth time, Aftan, put the chips back into the cabinet. Find a healthier way to de-stress. Stop mindlessly eating the kids’ snacks while you wait by the phone for answers to a gazillion questions. 

Spoiler Alert: When you get off the phone, you’ll just have more questions. And you know what you’'ll wanna do next? Start snacking. Quit it.

If you don’t find a healthier way to deal with the stress, you’re going to weigh exactly 5,000 pounds.

3. Quit fact-checking the kids’ stories. 

Even the ones that seem far-fetched. Who knows? Maybe they did almost eat an avocado one time that was injected with micro-robots, but then their aunt stopped them before they took a bite. You don’t know. You weren’t there. 

They don’t need you to believe them. They need you to listen to them.

4. If you make one more appointment during nap time, I’m going to climb through this computer screen and smack you.

Why do you keep doing that? I don’t care how conveniently the appointment fits into the calendar. Your schedule looks open because IT’S NAP TIME.  

But go ahead, make the appointment for 2 PM. And when all three kids are screaming on the dirty floor of the waiting room, and they’re acting like wet noodles when you escort [read: drag] them into the office, just remember I told you so. Afternoon appointments are a fun time for exactly zero people.
 

5. Give yourself an uncomfortable amount of grace. 

Things are going to be hard. Like really freaking hard. You’re going to mess up. Probably every day. You’ll probably want to quit. Maybe you’ll dream of hiding in your room for an entire day. But the work you’re doing is important. 

Foster care is a marathon, not a sprint. Maybe things get a little easier the more you understand the system and the flow of how placements work.

But maybe not. Maybe foster care is always a maze with sharp turns and confusing paths. You think you’re on the right track, but a second later you’re facing a dead end with a rabid squirrel chasing you. Where did that squirrel come from anyway? Foster care is wild.

So give yourself a whole bunch of grace. Honest-to-goodness, you’re doing the best you can. You really are. And the job you’re doing is incredibly important. Keep going!

6. Don’t make any big plans for the first few days. 

Lay low for a little. Let the kids get to know you and their new space. Get a routine and show some structure. Give a sense of what a normal day is like. 

Don’t overdo it with fun, exciting adventures. Focus on being present, bonding with them, and letting them get to know you.

7. Get out of the house. Alone.

Remember that time AJ distracted the kids while you hid in the basement? And then you ran out of the house with car keys in one hand and your shoes in the other? Because you didn’t want anyone to see you? Because you didn’t want anyone to ask if they could come too? Yeah, you need to do more of that.

Maybe you don’t have to be so sneaky. But you definitely need to get out of the house more. Alone. 

Everyone is happier when you’re happy. And you’re one of those introverts who needs a whole lot of time by yourself to feel your best.

8. Plan on your day not going as planned. 

Burn your calendar. Just kidding, you’ll need it. Just don’t expect your day to follow the agenda. You don’t know what’s gonna come up. Social workers might stop by with no notice. Investigators might drop by to ask a few questions. 

Your days and weeks will fill up with last-minute appointments and long phone calls.

Remember that time you had the perfect day planned and then you had three, last-minute appointments that spiraled into chaos? Remember that? Hold those plans loosely, girl.

9. You are not their therapist, their teacher, or their doctor.

You don’t have to solve their problems. You don’t have to fix their situation. You don’t have to know the answers. You just need to love them and support them. 

You cannot (and should not) try to do it all. That’s not your job. Knock it off.

10. Ask for help when you need it.

And, girl, are you gonna need it! When people offer to help, let them. Because they actually want to help.

The kids might not need new clothes, toys, craft materials or school supplies. But never-ever-ever deny an offer of food. Let people bring you groceries, treats, snacks, coffee, or full meals. Everyone in the house has to eat. If your fridge is full, take a rain check.

You also need to get a whole lot better at proactively asking for help. You are not a burden. People want to help you. And if they can’t help, they’ll say no. And that’s okay.

So ask for babysitters. See if someone can run an errand. Call someone just to vent. Aftan Marie Fisher Hoffer, I’m looking straight at you. Ask. People. For. Help.

There are some lessons you can’t learn until you jump in and do the thing. I’m grateful we had people cheering us on as we did a swan dive into the deep end of the foster care system.

We have amazing support from lots of people. Friends, family, and even complete strangers have helped us in some pretty incredible ways. 

I’m always amazed when people offer to help. Because they didn’t sign up for this. We did.

But they’ve hopped on the ride too, and we’re grateful for that. Roller coasters are more fun when you’re not alone. But hopefully, we’re a little more prepared for the next ride.